It’s Certainly Been a year…or Three

“Storms make trees take deeper roots.”

Dolly Parton

Well, what a difference 3 years makes. My last post on here was filled with a lot of optimism. I had just finished a very busy season of work, I was 4 months into my 40’s and I had taken the time to publish a very close to my heart self journaling game. I remember feeling so high on the happiness that my creativity brought to people. I created something and people bought it, and experienced it and were thankful and felt things. Honestly I had felt like some of my life goals had been achieved. However, reader we know what happened a month later, Pandemics, and job furloughs and the stress of a government actively against its own people even more than usual.

Just before the march closures and the stress of uncertainty about my job and livelihood, I had one event that I think hit me more than I had realized and honestly something I am still just starting to recover from. On pretty much the day I published my last blog post, twitter deleted my account, I had received a DCMA strike for a dancing video. If any of you reading this knows me, you know I was very fond of posting me dancing, i never claimed the music was mine, I was just spreading joy and love and reminders to take that time for yourself and feel happy. There is was though, as stark as it could be. I had made that account at the hatching of the bird app and had developed a good audience. I was so optimistic to take that into my writing and game design.

To say I took it hard was probably and understatement. All that work gone, that audience gone and then the pandemic, I was isolated and under pressure with job furloughs to just scrape by. I watched as TTRPGs took a sour taste in my mouth. I found the joy I use to derive from them turn to sand in my mouth. Creativity hurt, I remember being so confused as to why 5 years of my life just shutdown, I didn’t understand what was happening and I tried to grasp so hard at it, only to continue to watch it slip away.

I suppose that’s what trauma does though, slowly drain that joy and leaves the scars that take time to heal. So many things have happened since 2019 and I don’t think I can recount them all here, i barely remember them with any clarity. Its been a nebulous dark cloud that I have been navigating, really that a lot of people have been navigating, over these last few years, but I think I see a hint of sun.

I have definitely forged a stronger self in these last years. I have taken steps to fight the darkness i have been struggling with almost all my life. I have tempered a will that will not see my fellow humans taken advantage of, that will not tolerate intolerance, but also one that can love and understand those that need it, including with all surprise myself included.

Twenty years spent in a depression, in a mire of self hate and fear of letting myself experience anything has taken a toll. I have grown weary of it, I have said “NO MORE!”. So here I am, a fresh 43, going to therapy, fighting the traumas of my past, moving past them and finally looking at the future. The depression no longer whispers “you wont be here anymore soon, so why bother trying”, I am actively thinking about the future and while I am so afraid, so gosh darn afraid of the future and the experiences it might bring, at least I can think about it and dream about it now.

So here I am, on lunch, as the sun breaks from the clouds of the rainstorm, I look up at the San Gabriel Mtns and I think, i feel, that tiny flow of creativity trickling through the cracks. Will it become a torrent? I do not know quite yet, but if i nurture it, if i give it the space, I think it just might.

So I ask myself, as I quote Lizzo, “Am I ready?”, yes I think I am.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s