Today I uploaded the first game i have ever written. Tomorrow I add it to a game jam and release it into the world. I honestly never thought I would get here. I started this adventure back in September and even then I never imagined I would finish anything.
The first game i technically wrote is not finished, it will end up being my second game. I had initially begun my delve into gaming for a jam about inevitible ends, I had a good idea, one i liked, that i thought would go places. I however got busy with work and 40th birthday and the bad part of my brain Continued to tell me I would fail, and i believed it. I believed it so much that i gave up and used it as an example of why i was reaching too high and should stop. However in December my friends started another jam, and again I had a neat idea that I thought would be cool to do.
I attacked the game design hobby again with gusto, I had a pretty good draft, then got stuck with the flavour of the thing. I bounced some ideas off of friends and was invigorated, but again found the mire in the mechanics and quickly i became frustrated once more. The bad brain whispered its siren song, i was again a failure, like i always knew i was. So there i was, sitting at the picnic table at lunch, the warm California sun filtered through the trees when i reached the bottom.
Opening a blank document I vented everything in my brain at the time, and then i wrote more, and its slowly evolved as i went. What was at first all the bad brain whispers put down on a page, slowly became a series of uplifting reflections on my life. As i wrote i realized i was creating something else entirely. As i paused to read it and really take it in, it hit me that this could be the game. This simple little idea i had accidentally found through stress and subconscious thinking could be something i could make.
And so within a week it was done. As i passed it on to friends, they told me how much they liked the concept, and i felt encouraged. I showed it to two co workers i trust and they told me it really meant something to them, and I raced to finish it. I had finished a thing that my brain told me i would not, and that was the rarest of victories for me.
So here I am, i made a game, it means a lot to me. Go ahead and check it out if you want. https://geonerd.itch.io/i-am
I am a game designer! The irony of that sentence is not lost on me.