Go away and never come back!

Sometimes i just want to scream at the top of my lungs. My brain can go from happy to sad in less than 2 secs and next thing i know i am questioning all of my friendships, all of my successes and feeling like I am all alone and a fake shell of a human being.

This is how I woke up today. I want to reach out to my friends I want to talk but i cant bring myself to do it. So I am compelled to write this down and toss it on the internet? It makes no sense. Why cant I just talk to my friends about this, why does tossing it out in public work but i cant go to the ones i trust?  Maybe cause i know no one will see it here. Here it is safe and obscure.  Maybe I dont want to burden my friends. They say they are there for me but a human can only take so much before they realize that its too much trouble and the last thing i want is to make my friends hate me or feel burdened by me.

In reality this is all my fault. This is me forgetting to take my meds, this is me going so long off of them and then getting back on them and now I am a chemical mess. This is me wishing i could have lives like my friends. Feeling like I am missing out on life and experiences that others have that I cant seem to recreate.  This is me wondering why I cant find anyone here in LA to have fun with and by not finding anyone turning it onto myself and convincing myself that its because I am gross and broken and dont deserve that kind of fun.

I am so fucking alone and my friends live so fucking far away

 

I am trapped inside myself and see no escape…..ever…..